Our company’s “cost-cutting-schemes” plotting managers, seems to have concentrated recently much on the cozy cushion seats that housed our massive weights at the workplace. After secretly examining the utilization of those seats and its effect on economy, they have come to a conclusion that if company is wasting its capital on something which is utterly unprofitable and unacceptable, then it is its habit of servicing “getting-fat-each-day-employee” each with separate costly chairs.
This sudden global recession aided enlightenment prompted them to prepare yet another set of eyebrow lifting rules that is going to save huge cost, which earlier was wasted on useless employees. The seat sharing guidelines for employees (excluding managers) goes like this…
(NO SEPARATE GUIDELINES FOR WOMENS)
1) Effective April, each seat should be shared by two (say A & B) employees.
(Does this mean two employees have to sit on each others lap and work simultaneously? Are the seats capable of holding such infinite calories? . These are some needless doubts of useless employees that are instantly mopped out in the next point)
2) A has to work from 6.00 A.M to 2.00 P.M & B has to work from 2.00 P.M to 10.00 P.M.
3) Cab facilities will not be provided even though we very well know our company’s out-of-the-city-location is devoid of any public transportation at the early morning hours and late nights. We will provide you some allowance, using which you can bargain and hire some drunken drivers and be at office in time.
4) Employees who are provided with laptops are requested to stay home & work and don’t show up in office till the recession ends. We are least interested in seeing your faces and not bothered at all if your work is hindered by power/telephone/ Network outages. We have already wasted our money on your laptops and it is your responsibility to deliver the work distributed to you.
5) Routine examination revealed that most of the employees are using company’s cubicle space as self/family promotion section. Displaying your laugh-filled personal photos, your kid’s hand-drawn first cartoon, silly gift items, scary teddy bears, personal what-to-do-list and much more ghastly items…might cause serious brain damage to the employees who are going to share your seat. Hence we request you to wipe out everything from your desk except the company’s product and have peace with the co-workers.
PS – Any attempt to breach the above guidelines will be declared as bench resource and be given pink slip promptly.