Now that AR Rahman is busy bagging big awards, the whole town is busting with his talk. Unsurprisingly, Pre-lunch, lunch and Post-lunch breaks were spent on brushing up his biography. On the course of reviewing his life, the unknown prideful side of me swelled up inside on this Man’s achievement. I was genuinely happy for this genius.
The problem in me, feeling proud of others is that, it usually make me stop for a minute or so ,and think about myself. Just to cross check what I was busy doing the time, when this musical mastermind was working to inspire the whole country.
Gradually I stepped in to the shoes of introspection, descended on the memory lane and refreshed the thoughts of past month. Except for watching a range of weird movies (Vettaikaran, Kutty, Aayirathil oruvan, Goa, Tamizh padam), downloading bunch of kutthu songs and reading romance books , I didn’t do anything remotely constructive. Most naturally, a pinch of shame crossed the thoughts. I took out the book, which I call my diary, then rolled up the sleeves resolved to write most probable set of new resolutions that would make me feel, at least, not bad next time when I think about these maestros. .
Obviously, no resolution popped out. Mind was blank just like the paper at hand. Soon, I started to leaf through my journal. It was kind of weird to read one’s own biography. But I was skimming through the pages hoping to find something that interested me in last few months, which I can form as a new resolution. Then the date 23Feb2009 scribbled with my handwriting flashed before me.
It was the date Rahman got the oscar award. Looks like , how exactly I felt frustrated today, had I felt then. For a page or so, I seemed to have praised AR Rahman fervently not even minding the spellings and other grammatical mistakes. Then, I had also written some thing, which was much similar to the resolutions that I was about to take today. Words like dreams, success, life, goal, India were sprinkled all over the page not meaning anything specific, but just to show that I was desperately trying to be serious and writing something philosophical, if you know what I mean. It took moments to digest the rots that I had planted their with my own hands. Seriously, horrific.
I closed the diary swiftly, breathing heavily and felling all grumpy for attempting to commit the same rot today.
Note to self – Never write diary when my mind is not stable.